Saturday, March 04, 2006

Good grief! Aren't I a whinny little bitch?

When did this happen?? HOW can I stop it?

I don't know.

I've had tons of advice, here in person, from well intentioned individuals. The most popular of sayings: Learn to accept the way things are; Grin and bare it; Wake up in the morning and "choose" to be happy; Go to the park everyday just to get away; and my favorite: Take up crafting.

Uh, yeah, crafting. As for the park, actually, it's a great idea, but with the wind here, and my asthma/allergies, not conducive to communing with nature, ya know?

Learn to accept the way things are. Ok. Tell me why. Even I know the answer to it: because it would make life infinitely better, and help me to handle things in a more constructive way. Ok. Tell me how. Even I don't know the answer to that one!

Grin and bare it. What is there to grin about when wiping your dad's butt after he's moved his bowels? What is there to grin about when emptying his urinal for the 20th time of the day? What is there to grin about when trying to get him to do what his Doctor's have told him to do and he refuses to, because he seriously thinks he knows better?

Wake up in the morning and choose to be happy. Lordy, I've tried this one. I've tried waking up, and saying to myself "ok, girl, you're going to approach everything today with a smile on your lips and a song in your heart. You won't let your temper get out of control, and you'll try to be a little loving towards he that rules the roost". Then the song starts "Old man river, that old man river..." and you get the first of 50 "go to hell" looks after telling dad to stop crossing his legs and cutting off the little circulation he has left.

Now see? Whinny little bitch! Of course, I can adopt the attitude that (cue music): this is my diary, and I'll whine if I want to, whine if I want to, whine if I want to. Which, to some extent, I am doing. But hell, even I'm depressing myself more reading all this moaning I've been doing this past week.

I can say ENOUGH ALREADY! And vow to not moan and groan about it again, but all it will take is one thing to set it off again. The only time I'm not like this is when I'm at the gym working out. Man, would I love to live there! But, I can't. So, I need to find some way of getting out of this damn funk I'm in, and move past it.

I know I'm lucky, when it comes down to it. I don't have to work to support us. If I did, well, then I wouldn't be in this situation, as he'd be in a 24hr care facility. But we don't have the money for it. We have just enough each month, to pay all the bills, and afford my gym membership and groceries, with not very much left over when it's done, and not enough for me to afford MY doctor's visits, getting my eyes checked (which hasn't been done for 10 years) or dentist visits,which is why I now have a complete upper denture.

But still, I know I have it better than a lot of people. I keep reminding myself about all the victims of Katrina, in the Gulf Area, and how they'd be happy as clams to have what I have. Then I think, yeah, for about a month. Then they'd be right where I am. You can only go without human contact for so long before it starts to affect you deeply. I can go weeks without having a conversation with someone. Seriously. Weeks. That's not healthy!

So, I post to my blog, bitch, moan and groan, hoping that something will pop out at me, some solution, to help me feel better. To be happy. To not feel so damn depressed.

Visions of *jacuzzi bubbles dancing in my head. Yea......that's the ticket! :)

*you know, it's funny: whenever I do spell check on a post that has the word jacuzzi in it, spellcheck brings up the alternative of "jackass". I think that's pretty damn appropriate! ;)*