Monday, March 13, 2006

WARNING: This post deals with sex. If you get offended by reading about masturbation, surf away from this post right now. You've been warned, so keep your judgments and comments to yourself. Yes, I know I have disabled comments, but if you're resourceful enough, you'll know how to contact me from here.

I took the plunge. I bought myself a vibrator/dildo combo online. Why not in person? 2 reasons: 1) The first time I bought one in person, it was humiliating to have the cashier insert batteries into my purchase to make sure it worked ok, and to announce to the entire store that yes, it vibrated, rotated and moved up and down perfectly; 2) I was too lazy to get in my car and drive 8 miles to the nearest not-so-sleazy store that I'm used to going to.

I've been wracking my brain as to why I'm so tense, angry and just flat out frustrated, and it finally hit me: I'm not having sex....of any kind. Oh sure, I masturbate now and then, but only by clitoral stimulation. My old sex toys didn't make the move to the condo with me last summer. They were old and worn out, and I've honestly not thought about buying anything new since then. I've been so wrapped up in taking care of dad, that I've let every aspect of my personal needs/wants/desires become unimportant. Well, that ends this week.

I researched and comparison shopped the entire morning, taking a break for the gym and lunch, and got right back to it, until I found something that I'm hoping will give me some release. Well, as much release as a sex toy can give. Let's face it, the best release comes from another human being, whether it's a male or female partner.

This has gotten me to think about sex, and what I miss most about it. Being a woman, you'd think I miss the contact with another human being the most. Though it's true I do miss being held, kissed and teased, what I miss most is that initial penetration. Whether it's with a real man's penis, or a strap on with a female. There's nothing that is better than the first time penetration is achieved. It sends chills throughout your body, and your muscles actually relax a little, before they tense up for the erotic ride that is about to commence.

*sigh*. I need a sex partner, huh. And that's all I'd want too. No strings. You'd think that'd be easy to find. Nope. I've tried that with the last three sex partners I've had, and keep in mind it's been a couple of years since the last one. All 3 wanted more than I could give, with one of them being arrogant enough to think that I wanted more as well. I didn't, and I don't. I have enough to handle taking care of dad. You can't have a healthy relationship if that relationship can't come first, and right now, with my life, it can't. Dad has to, and I'm finally starting to put myself in that mix, where I come first from time to time. I certainly don't have the energy to have to worry about someone else on top of all of this. That wouldn't be fair to them, to me, or to dad.

Now, if I could find someone that understood all of that, and was willing to come 2nd or 3rd, that'd be great, but let's face reality here: no man, or woman, in a relationship, wants to come 2nd or 3rd. They want to be first. That's only fair. But I'm not at a point in my life to where I can do that, so it's better not to even look. Consequently, I'm extremely frustrated, and will more than likely wear out my new toy by the weekend!

BTW, I paid extra for the shipping, so it will be here by Wednesday! And yes, I'm going to use it as soon as possible, and will post my review. Aren't you all just so damn lucky! LOL