Saturday, March 04, 2006

When is enough, enough?

When you give everything you've got to give, do as much as humanly possible to help, go beyond the "call of duty", why is it, we're expected to give more?

How many times do you have to reach down into the pit of your stomach, and give more than you did the day before? Is it any wonder you explode out of frustration? Is it any wonder you find any excuse to escape the surroundings? To just get away for a couple of hours each day?

It's very frustrating, isn't it. And there's never any "off" button. It's always "on".

But you can't walk away. If you did, there'd be no one to truly care what happens. And the guilt. Oh the guilt would haunt you for the rest of your life, more than likely ending your life before it should be ended.

But what kind of life do you have now? I mean really. What do you have?

Yes, you have a roof over your head, a warm bed to pass out in each night, when you can actually do it. Food, clothes, computer, car, gym membership. But what about fun?

What fun do you have? Who do you go out with? What's the last movie you saw? When was the last time you went out to dinner, or to a party, or to a club? Hell, when was the last time you just got in the car and drove up to the Lodge? To the Galleria?

When was the last time you had a good laugh? Heard a really good dirty joke? When was the last time you had a pleasant conversation, in a normal voice, without having to yell every syllable s l o w l y, so that you could be some what heard?

And what about your fears? The ones you never voice. The ones you kick out of your brain so they don't overwhelm you in sadness? What about them? You can't ignore them indefinitely. Eventually, they'll break down the door and rob you completely of your sanity, if you don't acknowledge them.

But you can't. It's too much. You'd drown in them, obsess over them, pick at them until they're a festering mass of hurt and pain that nothing can extinguish.

But they're there. You've pushed them just beyond your realm of vision. You can just see them. They're like a tiny little spec, off in the distance. And you know they'll get bigger as you draw closer to them. Big enough to completely wipe you off the face of the earth.

Which one scares you the most? The one where you'll not know what to do when this is all over? The one where you're running towards the goal, but your feet are in cement blocks?

Or is it the one where there's no one? Yes, that's the one isn't it. Because there's no one now, and there hasn't been for a long, long time. And don't you get tired of people telling you that God should be enough? Don't you just want to slap them, and point out how easy it is for THEM to say that, since they have what you don't have?

God can't put a protective arm around you when you feel yourself slipping into that darkness. God can't go for a walk, holding your hand. God can't sit next to you in the movie house, snickering with you at how absurd the plot is, or who has had plastic surgery. God can't tell you there's too much garlic in the sauce.

And God can't hold you at night, when everything closes in, and it overwhelms you, and you break down.

When is enough, enough?